As you can see it has actually been years since I posted anything here. More than likely anyone who used to read this blog has long given up on it, but I wanted to write a closing post anyway. I have decided to start a new journal. My life has changed drastically since I last posted here and now in 2009 I am standing at one of the largest crossroads of my life and desperately trying not to lose my footing. I have lost too much already. So much rests on where I go from here. I hope that I can retain my hope and faith on this journey...the most difficult journey yet. I don't know what the future holds, but right now I am trying to survive the past and present. If there is anything I know, it is that I am strong and ever hopeful. I never stop trying, and I never stop hoping that I can make the life I dream about a reality. I can say that my children are my saving grace. They give me purpose like no other will and they inspire me to be the best version of myself I can be like no other living person can. To me there is no better motivation and no greater gift then their love, respect, and affection. I don't know what waits for me in the time to come, but I pray that I never lose sight of what is important and on my soul's journey to growth I hope I can accomplish an unwavering faith in myself, a state of lasting joy and happiness, and forever true and loyal love. I long to find that inner peace we all are searching for, but unlike some I am searching within to find it. I know there is a better life for me now...there has to be.
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For anyone out there interested in following me. My new blog is titled Little Bird With Roots.
Best wishes to all.
Some day you will feel like you know who you are and then find out you don’t know yourself at all. There will be days when you feel like you have it figured out, and then a day will come that you realize you don’t know much at all. There will times that you are so proud of your accomplishments until they crumble to the ground. Sometimes you will soar with joy until the weight of the world falls on your shoulders and you fall head first to the ground. There will be times you believe you are living your dreams, and then you wake up. There will be days you think you have everything you could want, until someone comes into your life and shows you there is so much more. There will be times that you feel you are better off alone or that no one else will do and then someone will come into your life and change it all. There will be times you wish you did not remember, until your memory starts to fade. There will be times when you feel that it couldn’t get worse until a friend raises your lowered head and tells you it will be okay. There will be a time you don’t think you will make it, and an angel comes out of no where to save the day. There will be times when you feel like life isn’t worth the pain, until you see the good in human kind. Then there will times that you wish you were some where else, and then you rise to a beautiful day. There will be times when you think there is no light at the end of the tunnel and someone will prove you wrong. There will be a day, your last day, that you will not want to leave, until someone you missed shows you what you are missing. There will be a day that you go back home, and all of this will be just a dream.
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Anna Leah Vessey
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To whom it may concern,
A free Spirit,
Looking for truth,
In a cloaked world,
Living to be loved,
Loving to feel alive,
Trying to make everyday matter,
In the process of becoming.
Copyright Anna Leah Vessey 2007
I saw this quote today and it fit the mood of my previous post and had to share it:
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"Your personality, then, is the material expression. And your individuality is the personality of your soul." -Edgar Cayce
Well, as you can see, I haven't posted in some time now. I have been keeping busy with home life and honestly keeping busy worrying about this and that. Lately, I have stressing about a lot of things including how I have changed in recent years. Not that I am not proud of who I am, but that I am unsure of who that is anymore. I guess a lot of people probably go through this when they face many life changes over the course of a few years time. In the last few years, I quit my career, started a family, faced some more family deaths, bought and sold a house, faced quite a bit of financial instability and struggle, live in an apartment that seems to develop a new problem every day, not to mention a few health issues I have to deal with daily. On top of all that I have been trying to get a side business going with my writing, photography, and art, which I knew would be a challenge when I took in on, and honestly I have been surprisingly patient with myself in that department. I am proud of myself in that regard, because I do have the tendency to be very hard on myself and pressure myself like I do no other. In the midst of all this, I have felt a little isolated and limited. Living and working at and from home is hard when you have worked your whole life around people since early teenage years. Most of my friends have gone their own way as they are single and childless and they live that way. So, even though I resent that I feel a little abandoned in that department, it is probably the way it should be considering that our lifestyles and priorities are very different now. Unfortunately, since I have been a home-body so to speak it is hard to meet new people or to develop new lasting local friendships. Not to say that this can't all change with time and effort and a lot of faith or that I have no one that I am close to. I have been doing a lot of inner reflection and trying to make heads or tails out of it all. I have found that my old way of sharing everything and all my feelings and secrets are becoming harder and harder to do. Not that I have anything to hide, just that I feel embarrassment sharing myself with others sometimes and that did not used to happen to me before. So, all this has lead me to write this post and do it anyway. I suppose in a way it is like airing out my dirty laundry, because I hate fear to control my life or actions, which I have been giving into a lot lately. Giving into my fears is not something I like to do and try to overcome every day of my life. One thing I am having a hard time with is worrying about the people I care about, especially my son. He is my everything. Even though I would like to say I survived all of my loved ones health issues and deaths through the years and there have been many, I cannot say that I have came from it all unscathed. I fear for everyone and I probably let things worry me a little too much that is affects me physically as high stress levels often do. Since I am a person who puts every one above myself I don't share any of my problems or personal inner turmoil with others with the intention of not weighing them down with my drama. Negativity is over abundant in this world and I don't wish to spread anymore. However, I have always been more helpful to others and more uncomfortable asking or wanting help from others for myself. In fact it makes me a very uncomfortable to ask for help and also to accept it when offered. That is my own problem though and I probably developed that when I learned I needed to depend on myself and stand on my own two feet as a young adult. The transition to leaning on my husband's income has been difficult, but we both agreed that me being home with my son was the best thing for him in our opinions. We made a choice and every day with my son confirms that decision. Not that it still isn't hard, sacrifice isn't easy, but sometimes it is necessary. I guess it is also a little embarrassing for me as well, because I like to be in control of my life. Alas, let us face it. I need people just like anyone else. I need to feel understood even though most don't. I need to feel needed, but also have people I can count on in return. I have always been proud that I am different then other people, because it was proof I was individual and that I wasn't afraid to show people my true face. After years of being called weird, different, unique, strange, special, etc. (in positive and negative contexts), I have come to embrace my individuality and be proud of it. However, sometimes I do care too much what other people think when I really shouldn't. That is something I have battled all my life and don't see me overcoming in some time. I feel deeply and sometimes it is hard to separate what I should or shouldn't let effect me I guess. Even now I am in a tug-of-war with myself on whether I will actually mark this post as public or private. I guess the end of this pour my heart out vent session will determine which I choose. It amazes me how a complete people-person like myself, has become so much of a hermit I guess. I don't go out much anymore, I feel a slight uncomfortable feeling around people, but funny enough around people I know more than ones I don't. This leads me to believe that I feel some sort of shame. I suspect this shame is the fact that I have lost comfort with myself or being myself even though I refuse to live any other way. SO, the bottom line may be just this: I have developed a fear of being myself around others, but refuse to live any other way, which in essence puts me in a personal inner turmoil. I have no doubt I will overcome this. If I know something about myself it is that I am strong and I am a survivor and I will overcome this little inner battle. It is the impatience with myself that will give me the problem. My inner voice saying; "Get over it already!" Unfortunately, losing yourself even if it is for a short time isn't something you get over quickly. It often makes you constantly obsess about who you are or who you aren't and you miss all the moments you should be living and experiencing, which is what in fact is the only way I know that unfolds and reveals your true self anyway. I just have to accept and love who I am again...myself, and to hell with anyone who can't see what a wonderful person I am. Maybe all of this is a result of letting other people's opinions, judgments, or abandonment effect my perception of self. Perhaps I have to remind myself often that I love who I am becoming even though I am not sure yet if I do. Maybe if I say it all the time, I might actually start to believe it.
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So, Christmas is coming. It is almost here. My family has had a very tough year. Financially we are struggling like so many other people in the world. Lack of financial stability is a big stress on any relationship, especially a marriage. Not being able to pay your bills is a stress mentally, emotionally, and physically. It weighs on you like nothing else can. I know a lot of it is a product of choice. My husband and I chose that I stop working when I became a mother. While the benefits of being home to raise my son are great in number, the struggle is so very hard as well. We are trying to stay positive and have hope that next year will bring better things like the promotion at work my husband deserves. We are trying to do what we can to better our situation, but sometimes there is only so much of what you can do with what you have and you have to be patient and have a lot of faith. I feel it is important not to give up hope, even though there are times where I do lose it like everyone else. Hopelessness is a desolate feeling that I am not fond of. Right now I am doing a lot of leaning on faith, and by faith I mean faith in everything including myself. I have always been a person who lives a life in simplicity. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. I know things have to get better, but sometimes it is hard to be optimistic. That doesn't stop me from trying, as you probably have guessed. I put a lot of pressure on myself as a writer and artist. That I have burned myself out on it. Now I am taking a step back to re-evaluate my life. I have learned that sometimes you cannot live for the future, but for the present. That we are writing our future now. The future will come soon enough, but it may still be unrealized, because it is still unwritten. So, I am going to try to stop worrying about the future, about tomorrow and try to focus on today. I know it is easier said than done, especially when you are a mother and everything you do affects your child. I was poor as a child and yes, I remember the struggle and the stress on our relationships with our single mother...but the things I cherish most are the times we spent as a family, or when my mother stroked my brow, or the times my sister and I played for hours. I remember playing catch with my dog and falling asleep stroking a kitten in my lap. I remember drawing my own Christmas decorations, but loving creating something of my own. I remember our Christmas tree was a plastic tree hand-me-down from who knows where, but what I remember most was having a tree to decorate and to enjoy all holiday season. We didn't leave home often, because we lived in a bad neighborhood, but I remember making a snowman in our backyard and picking tomatoes off the vine in my Grandfather's garden. Even though we couldn't afford a bouquet of flowers we had new roses bloom around our garden every spring. So, even though I had a tough childhood, I have many good memories to reflect on...experiences that shaped who I am today. The things that make me most full of joy are the things money can't buy, but the reality of life is you need it to live and when you are an adult it sure is stressful when you don't have it.
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No matter what spiritual path you follow it is always good to remember what you are thankful for. Being grateful and appreciating the good in our lives reminds us that things are not as bad as they could be. It reminds us of all things and people we take for granted every day. It makes us think how we would feel if we lost these these things. We realize that we are abundant compared to others out there suffering. We can compare our blessings to those who are in great need. So, during this week take some time to reflect on all the good in your life. Take a break from thinking about what you lack. We all have adversity in our lives and we all have pain, but there is so much to be grateful for as well. Next time you complain about your hair being too thick, or too curly, or too frizzy...think of those suffering from cancer who have lost all their hair from chemotherapy or the people who suffer from hair loss every day. Next time you complain you don't have enough money, think of those who can barely walk on their feet from them being torn open, because they have no shoes. Think of those who are starving or those who have to beg for food when you throw away those leftovers. When you complain your house isn't large enough think of the families that have no place to call home. When you crawl into your nice warm comfortable beds remember how fortunate you are that it isn't a cold subway floor. Next time you are bored and complain you have nothing to do, think of all the children in third world countries that never saw a toy. Next time you complain your parents are too this or too that, think of the many children out there without a family of their own. Be grateful when you see a rainbow or a beautiful sky for there are those that never have seen anything with their eyes other than blackness. Be grateful when you hear a ring of laughter or a wonderful song, because there are those who hear nothing but silence. Be grateful to run with the wind in your hair, because there are those who have no legs to walk with. Be grateful when you put on that nice warm coat, because there are those freezing in dank alley ways. Be grateful for your belongings for there are those who lose everything in a natural disaster. Be grateful you are employed, because there are those who no one will hire. Be grateful for your children even when they misbehave, because there are couples who can never have a child. Be grateful for your education, because there are those who are given no choice for they have no schools in which to learn. Be grateful for your freedom, no matter how much more we want there are those who live in cages for speaking their mind. Be grateful for your life, for their are those who's lives are taken away who want to live. Please take a few minutes and think about what you are grateful for and maybe you will see that you have a cornucopia of blessings that make up for what you lack. Things can always be worse, but they can get better too. As long as we have each other we can get through anything.
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1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
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When I am looking into their eyes telling them how I feel. I am pretty honest and people can trust what I tell them. I don't hold things in, but some feelings feel too private to share sometimes, especially the feelings I, myself, still don't understand.
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry?
Well, I guess it depends on what you consider REALLY angry. I was pretty angry at my annoying cat in the middle of the night when he came in my room continuously meowing at the top of his lungs to get me out of bed to give him treats. He woke me up on the hour and doesn't stop meowing until I get up. However, my room gets very hot with the door closed. Not only did he wake me up a million times...he woke my toddler too who cried for five minutes until I got him to fall back to sleep. My cat is lucky he still gets treats at all.
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. who would you call?
I would call my husband if he wasn't with me to make sure that he takes care of my son and to make sure my son always knows how much I will always love him. I also make sure my husband and everyone knows they are loved and appreciated on a daily basis. I have learned that through all of the death and loss and struggle in my life. There is no reason to wait...what are you waiting for? Tomorrow may never come and all we can count on is the present.
4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. (1) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? (2) What do you do with your remaining days? (3) Would you be afraid?
Yes, I would tell the people that I care for and that care for me. It is only fair to prepare them. I am not sure what I would do with the remaining days, except spend all the time I could with my son and the people I love. I would like to say I would travel the world, because it is something I have always wanted to do, but I would most likely spend a lot of time writing in a journal, and doing anything I could to build some memories for my son to have for himself of his mother. Yes, I think I would be afraid to leave my son. I can't bare to think of anyone else raising him, or the thought of not being able to be with him as grows to be a man.
5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love. Which do you choose?
Love. I am not sure though if either can can exist without the other. If you love than you have to trust it to be real.
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you save the dog?
Yes, I would save the dog without hesitation. I would take the situation also as a sign that maybe that job is just not for me anyway. If the dog was healthy and had a nice disposition, and needed a home I would probably keep him as well.
7. You are unfaithful to your spouse/significant other. Do you tell him/her? Why or Why not?
I would never be unfaithful. I am a loyal and faithful person. If I ever developed deep feelings for someone else that would probably mean my relationship was over and in that case I would confide in my spouse and end the relationship. No one deserves to be cheated on. If my spouse cheated on me then I would very much hope he would be honest and tell me, in which case I would end the relationship.
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more then just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you do/say?
I have had many guy friends develop more than friendly feelings for me. If I didn't feel the same I would let them know the nicest way I could, without damaging the friendship. If they couldn't be just friends and I didn't return the affection I usually tried to distance myself. I don't like to hurt anyone. However, I think the strongest relationships start with friendship as its base. My husband and I were friends first and the feelings grew from there.
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
I believe that when it is our time to leave this world we do. I wouldn't meddle with that. I think it is even very possible that that soul whether we are conscious of it or not chooses when we want to leave this world. I think death is just a transition to another phase of existence, but that doesn't mean losing someone isn't hard.
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Of course. I am a good person and a loyal friend. I genuinely care for life and the world. I imagine that if I found someone just me we would be wonderful friends. I must admit I am a very unique and different person. People have told me many times how weird, eccentric, or unique I am....followed by: "But it's a good thing." I would be surprised to find a kindred spirit, but it would be very nice to make a friend who completely understands me and not just says they do.
11. Does love = sex?
No. However, in a romantic relationship I need to be in love to be intimate with someone or have some sort of deep feeling for them.
12. Your boss tells your co-worker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your co-worker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company?
I believe a good employer would let go not the newest person, but the least productive person. However, I would do as much as I could to help that person.
13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? What did you have to tell the person?
I'm really usually honest with people when I tell them how I really feel. I don't hide much either.
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a friend you love them, or that you do not love them back?
It's harder for me to tell someone I don't love them back. At this stage of life, if I feel it I say it.
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
That's a pretty broad and difficult question. I would say my son. If I lost my son I would be lost. I love that little boy with my whole heart.
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
18. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you wish was there with you?
My husband. Hey, everyone needs back up. ;)
19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Hmmm...probably...I would call an ambulance first. I have never done CPR and I am not sure I would be successful at it....and hopefully he isn't dying of anything contagious.
21. You are holding onto your grandmother's hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death?
I would try to hold on to both as long as I could. Honestly, this is not easy to answer without being in this position. I would like to think that my grandmother would tell me to save the newborn.
22. Are you old fashioned?
About some things.
23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
I try to always be kind without any kind of agenda, the only return I hope for is maybe some appreciation or the same courtesy.
24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
True love with a guarantee of a broken heart. There is a saying it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I agree.
25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
That we could find a way to live in peace and harmony with each other and with nature without struggle or strife. Just enjoy each other and the life we have and all the gifts of nature.
So, I recently took a vacation to New Jersey. I was born and raised in that state. I still have family there...family that I love dearly and miss terribly. I also miss the change of seasons. Living here in Florida we don't see snow or too much brisk weather. I get very nostalgic for family and the seasons. The holidays don't quite feel the same without them. Being around some our childhood haunts and my cousins really brought back some fond memories and some not so great memories. Even though I have been living here since 93' when I go back it still feels like home. I don't see myself always living in Florida, but I have ties here. Life is full of hard decisions and choices. There are wrong ones, right ones, and ones that are neither. They say home is where the heart is. The problem is my heart is with my family and with them being all spread out I kind of feel in limbo. Some say that some day I will have to live for myself. I just don't know if that is possible for me.
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There are so many thinks I would like to do, so many things I love, so many things I would like to accomplish, before I run out of time, that sometimes I feel pulled in so many ways that I will burst in all directions and fade into everything.
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Lately, the subject of ego in its many contexts has been popping up in front of me a lot and repeatedly. So, I thought I might touch on the subject some today...
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First, I would like to list the definitions of the word ego:
e•go [ eegō, éggō ] (plural e•gos)
Definition (as per Encarta Dictionary):
1. self-esteem: somebody's idea of his or her own importance or worth, usually of an appropriate level
ex. The climb left us with frostbite and bruised egos.
2. inflated opinion of self: an exaggerated sense of self-importance and a feeling of superiority to other people
3. psychoanalysis part of mind containing consciousness: in Freudian psychology, one of three main divisions of the mind, containing consciousness and memory and involved with control, planning, and conforming to reality
See also id1superego
4. philosophy self: the individual self, as distinct from the outside world and other selves
[Early 19th century. < Latin, "I"]
With this said, I would like to address a couple different topics on ego starting with definition number one and two. A friend of mine (who’s mind I admire and respect) posted a topic in a blog today about certain individuals having too much ego in a sense of them being better than someone else, especially when they do so without foundation. I would have to agree that it is a most bothersome trait. My thoughts on that subject are this:
While I think self-confidence is admirable, self-importance really drives me crazy. Extreme arrogance is not very attractive and very seldom appreciated. Furthermore, in my opinion the ego is usually built on illusion, but every human is born with one. It is great to think of oneself as special, powerful, and capable...because we all are. However, humility and modesty are sometimes more appreciated when it comes to talents, skills, and physical beauty. No matter how great we think we are, there is always room to learn and grow. I believe we are all in a constant process of becoming, which is part of what life is all about. Beauty, talent, and skill are all in the eye of the beholder, so it is best to be confident in our abilities for the reason of personal growth, but not overly obnoxious about it. Big talkers that brag without foundation will only attract eyes rolling upward.
Now for definitions three and four: I am currently reading a book where the subject matter has a lot to do with ego verses spirit. In this book it suggests that the spirit is undiluted and all knowing in a way that it is connected to a collective consciousness (to many people this would be God). My understanding of this concept implies that we are all spiritually connected not only to the Divine, but to each other and all living things. The ego however, keeps us rooted in a way that gives us an illusion of ourselves either being unworthy or being better than everyone else. In both cases the ego would be wrong. In this case I am focusing more on the fact that the ego or conscious mind (which most of the time uses logic and physical facts as opposed to faith) holds us back from our greatness and the only thing that is real. That thing: is Love. So, in theory the ego creates this reality which is not reality at all, but more of a mirage. In essence the ego with all its supposed logic puts limitations on our spirit, or true and pure self, which in actuality is all powerful and free, and in most cases effectively convinces us that we are much less than we are. In other words, the ego convinces us that we are slaves to the human condition of life, and that we lack control of our lives and future. Alas, giving us the impression that we do not have the power to manifest what we want and need, when in actuality we have the inner power to do that and so much more. It seems to me that this also means that those of us who are detached, unconnected, or feel separate from everything, ultimately are the people who are trapped in a state depression and/or are those that feel powerless to the world around them. So, ultimately the ego is the chief reason why those of us who have extremely low self-esteem feel so unworthy, limited, and rejected, which to me implies that the reason for these feelings are that we are rejecting our true and higher selves (our spirit), which is made up of both love and joy. Also, meaning the spirit is infinite and immortal and part of something much larger than the ego, which is ultimately and quite simply just a human condition. In fact, it is one of the things that make us human in the first place. I find this concept fascinating, intriguing, and most believable.
I am a person in constant search of the truth and someone who is growing spiritually with every day. I am always looking to solve the world’s mysteries. I am in constant wonder of my mission in life and what that mission might be and if I am fulfilling this mission currently in my life or at least on the right path. I am a person of many questions, but I am also a person who lives life with the faith that sometimes in order to see something you must believe in it first, where as many other people live by the creed: “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Really, both imply seeing is believing.
Hey all. Clearly, I have a hard time finding the time between all my projects to consistently post here, but I try and that is what matters. I recently posted a poem I wrote on my myspace page and I wanted to post it here as well as this poem is dear to me. All my poems are special to me in some way. This one is no exception. Back To The Wind was written a while ago, but it was a turning point in my life when I wrote it, because I had stopped writing poetry for a long while and then I sat down one day and this one poured out onto the paper and I have been writing consistently ever since. This poem is about the phases of life. Being born, enjoying childhood, falling in love, making special bonds, and of courses dying. I am a lover of nature so, I am happiest when in it. SO, here it is.
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Back To the Wind
A Poem by: Anna Leah Vessey
I remember floating in water,
Sharing crimson red.
Innocence brand new,
Feather kisses upon my head.
Running through fields of dandelions,
With the breeze in my hair.
Soft green grass between my toes,
I want to twirl with my feet bare.
A song lingers on my lips,
And there is a dance in my step.
Press ardent kisses on my skin,
In repose we are safe and kept.
Glitters of light reflected in my eyes,
A word of depth lying dormant on my tongue.
Scent of strawberries on the breath,
Leaves are whispering to the soul so young.
Let us build pyramids with river rocks,
And draw crop circles in the soil.
Tilt my face back towards the sun,
For the sun is forever loyal.
A hawk is circling its prey,
But the moon is rising still.
Cover your ears with seashells,
I so love the night, brisk and chill.
The stars are shining just for us.
Aloft lays a quilt of black and silver thread.
Lay with me just for a while,
See beyond the netherworld where angels tread.
I am holding this hour in the palm of my hand,
But the veil between then and now has thinned.
So, I blow this kiss through pink pursed lips,
And give this hour back to the wind, free into the wind.
copyright 2006 Anna Leah Vessey
So, it has been awhile since I posted. Clearly, I am not so good with posting everyday. Though in hectic times such as these it is hard to find time where I can blog without loosing my track of mind or being interrupted at every turn. Although, I don't know how many people actually read my posts if any, so maybe it really doesn't matter. Hey, that doesn't stop me though. I think I did mention that I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting and doing a lot of thinking about life and relationships, among other things. So, I actually have much to write about if I can find the time.
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Today I am feeling a bit under the weather. Both my son and my husband were sick this weekend. Though I usually get sick as soon as I am exposed to someone who is ill, my body seemed to be doing a great job fighting it off, which was a surprise. Alas, it didn't win. Besides having a sore throat today, I am feeling very run down. So, I am sipping some hot green tea and trying not to overdue it. Thus, the time to post a journal entry.
So, where to start, because obviously I am having that moment of irony where I have a lot to say, but can't think of one topic I want to talk about at this exact moment. So, rather than write a bunch of empty words that mean nothing. I will post a quote from Rumi that really touched me the other day and made me think.
"Everyone is so afraid of death, but the real sufis just laugh: nothing tyrannizes their hearts. What strikes the oyster shell does not damage the pearl." -Mevlana Rumi
I have been feeling a little vulnerable lately and confused in many ways. When I read this quote it reminded me of my belief that our spirit is eternal and that no matter what life brings things will be alright. Sometimes we get so caught up in the physical world and our physical forms that we forget that our bodies house something infinitely more special. Sometimes we get caught up in our mortality so deeply that we lose sight of our immortal part of self....our soul...our spirit. The part of us that is connected to everyone and everything.
On another note: I wrote a poem the other day, which I posted in my myspace blog along with some visual art as well. Now I post it here.
We are all pearls of the same strand,
Some glisten in the light, flawless,
Others can be chipped or scratched.
There are pearls of white and black,
Others of pink and blue,
One may loose her luster,
And the other may not be perfectly shaped,
But together they are beautiful,
All parts of a whole,
Clasped together in harmony,
Side by side.
They compliment each other,
Reflecting the gold of the sun,
And the silver of the moon.
Each pearl a bright star, precious,
Making up one universe,
Loved and admired by the one,
Who holds it in the palm of their hand.
Anna Leah Vessey
Copyright ©2006 Anna Leah Vessey
This weekend was a busy one, but I got a lot accomplished so I feel pretty good about it. This week was productive. I finished a painting and worked on some photography. I also wrote a new poem. My creativity was working over time this week and my muse must have gave me an extra boost. I organized my home office as well. Go me!! I also did a lot of thinking and analyzing so I may post a few new journal entries over the next few days. I know I have been slacking in that department, but no worries...it soon will come.
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Well, it has been a while since I have written. Things have been a little hectic and I have been a little distracted. My birthday just passed on the 20th. I turned 29. I am officially living in my last year as a twenty something age category. Sigh, my time does fly. Every time another year goes by and I get older I can't help but evaluate my life and my position in it. I think of my goals and how close or not close I am to reaching them. Somethings I am proud to have accomplished, but most of the time I am disappointed in myself for not being in a better place. But, I know I am my own worst critic and I am harder on myself than anyone. :)
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"Painting is silent poetry, and poetry is painting with the gift of speech."
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-Simonides..Greek poet (556 BC - 468 BC)
There is one cd/soundtrack/music that can make me feel a myriad of different emotions depending on my state of mind. That is the soundtrack to the film Somewhere In Time starring Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour. The movie is fantastic and never fails to draw tears from my eyes, but the soundtrack just touches me so deeply. It can make me feel spiritual, sad, calm, romantic, beautiful, dreamy, and sometimes as if I am floating outside my body. It gives me clarity at times, and in dark times can make me weep out all of my riotous emotions. It is amazing to me. It is music to fall asleep to, to bath to, to meditate to, to cry to, or to make love to. It is magical, it is ethereal, it is just beautiful music. Even those of my acquaintances who do not care for classical music cannot speak ill of it. I simply adore it. Bravo to John Barry for composing such an amazing soundtrack. This all comes from a person who has a very diverse taste in music. Depending on my mood I will listen to anything from Rock, Pop, Blues, Hip-hop, R&B, Jazz, Classical, Alternative Rock, to Country. So, trust me I am not a stuffed shirt who enjoys listening to elevator music. Somewhere In Time is a soundtrack I highly recommend. Music that fills the mind, the heart, and the soul.
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So, before I was able to finish my previous post or spell check and proof read it, my darling two year old son pressed the power switch on my computer, so it was either submit it or lose it all. So, when reading it keep that in mind. Now I have put the little guy down for a nap.
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Someone made a comment that they don't understand why people are so cold and wonder why it is so hard to find someone who is really cares.
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I believe there are many good people out there, the problem is that many people are too quick to judge, and often too cynical to recognize them or appreciate them. If people took the time to geniunely get to know someone without passing judgement maybe they would see qualities often clouded by labels, stereotypes, and assumptions. Everyone has flaws, but sometimes the cynical eye will only see those flaws and not see the greatness that dwells within too. We seem to live in a fast paced time , many people forget to live in the midst of it all, or take time to pay attention to what is important. I feel too many people are selfish, they live only for themselves and nothing else matters. To each his/her own, but you shouldn't harm anyone in the process. I think a lot of people are cold, because of their personal insecurties, or their own self-importance. If someone thinks they are above you then you don't need them anyway. Sometimes people who are compassionate and who genuinely care seem to find people who use them as their own personal doormat, which I know by personal experience (sometimes I feel like a professional doormat)...maybe I am being whimsical by saying that maybe we find those people, because we are meant to touch those that seem out of reach. Because someone who is cold and consumed by their own ego, must be lonely. If they push us away, then that is their own problem and they are only hurting themselves.
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
As I had posted previously love is life. If you don't love and don't have love then what an empty existence you must live and I am not talking about romantic love, although that is one way to experience love, but not all of us have a significant other...but love for life, love for others, love for the world, love for oneself. There are many ways to love and be loved, but love is what matters. When you have love everything else falls into place. There will always be adversity. There will always be pain...and sometimes Love is why things are as painful as they are, but it is worth it. There are times people will hurt you and there are times that things will come to pass that you just can't understand. People you love will be taken from you. People you love will leave you. There will be times when you love someone that doesn't love you back. These are all things that are a part of life.
So, it has been a few days since I lasted posted. However, I did write a poem and this time I tried something a little different. I wrote a love story in poem form in three parts, so it is more three poems making up one story. Although, I did try to make each part individual so it may stand alone as well. I will share it soon once I am done tweaking it to my satisfaction. Honestly, I just wrote and wrote what came to mind and the words kind of came. It is pretty literal and there aren't many euphemisms, but I believe that it paints a picture none the less. I tend to be my own worst critic, so I am not sure what I think of it yet, but it was great fun to write. Only one person has read it other than myself at this point, and this person loved it. However, since this person is my husband I don't trust him to give an unbiased opinion. :)
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